Where I Stand

DISCLAIMER: I didn't exactly intend for any of this to make sense and I didn't intend for any of you to have anything too profound to say because of it. I needed to vent and the best way for me to do that is to write. All of you have heard at least a portion of the craziness that's been going on in my life right now and, if you're interested, this is the point where I currently stand.

I would like to say that I have no idea how I let myself get to this point, but that would be a lie. Truth is, I saw it coming and decided not to change, so that makes this just as much my own fault as it is anyone else's.

I loved my boyfriend. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and my confidante. But I shouldn't have made him my everything.

I thought that, by giving him all that I had – my time, my energy, and my love- that I would be given that in return. I'm not entirely sure that this is an unreasonable thing to ask of someone, but I am now sure that, if someone isn't ready to give that much of himself, you simply cannot make him. Even if you show him that you're practically killing yourself to be there for him, it's his choice as to whether or not to reciprocate. And he'll only make that choice when he's ready.
He says he's not ready. And I have to believe him.

I saw this coming years ago. If I'm honest with myself, I can see that this was how it's always been, since day one. I was the driving force behind this relationship and the direction we took was mostly navigated by me.

It should have been a partnership, but I was so afraid to let go that I refused. I pushed him towards his goals and dreams with every bit of force that I could muster. And he never pushed back.

I wasn't taking care of myself, but I wasn't being taken care of by him, either. Not the way I needed to be. And I want to blame him for that. I want to be angry with him and hate him and call him names. But, I can't. I am the only person on this Earth who is responsible for me, and I should have made myself my priority.

I've changed. We both have; almost to the point of not even recognizing each other anymore. And what we both need has changed.

I need someone to be there for me. I need a cheerleader. I need a man who is sure enough of himself that he can help me figure out who I am. I need to be held. I need stability and security and companionship. I need a little adventure. I need to feel so secure in my relationship that I'm not afraid to take chances and make mistakes. I need some rest. I need to be alone without feeling lonely. I need to be kissed like a woman. I need to take care of someone and be appreciated for it.

I really just feel like my entire life backfired on me. I had a plan, you know? I had a vision and I was working my ass off to make it a reality. I just picked the wrong partner at the wrong time.
I still love him. I don't think I'll ever be able not to.

And maybe, one day, we'll both grow up and find out that we are supposed to be together- when we already are who we're supposed to be.

And maybe someday I'll find that there is more than just one great love of my life.

But, until then, I need to uncross my fingers and start pursuing myself.