Where I Stand

DISCLAIMER: I didn't exactly intend for any of this to make sense and I didn't intend for any of you to have anything too profound to say because of it. I needed to vent and the best way for me to do that is to write. All of you have heard at least a portion of the craziness that's been going on in my life right now and, if you're interested, this is the point where I currently stand.

I would like to say that I have no idea how I let myself get to this point, but that would be a lie. Truth is, I saw it coming and decided not to change, so that makes this just as much my own fault as it is anyone else's.

I loved my boyfriend. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and my confidante. But I shouldn't have made him my everything.

I thought that, by giving him all that I had – my time, my energy, and my love- that I would be given that in return. I'm not entirely sure that this is an unreasonable thing to ask of someone, but I am now sure that, if someone isn't ready to give that much of himself, you simply cannot make him. Even if you show him that you're practically killing yourself to be there for him, it's his choice as to whether or not to reciprocate. And he'll only make that choice when he's ready.
He says he's not ready. And I have to believe him.

I saw this coming years ago. If I'm honest with myself, I can see that this was how it's always been, since day one. I was the driving force behind this relationship and the direction we took was mostly navigated by me.

It should have been a partnership, but I was so afraid to let go that I refused. I pushed him towards his goals and dreams with every bit of force that I could muster. And he never pushed back.

I wasn't taking care of myself, but I wasn't being taken care of by him, either. Not the way I needed to be. And I want to blame him for that. I want to be angry with him and hate him and call him names. But, I can't. I am the only person on this Earth who is responsible for me, and I should have made myself my priority.

I've changed. We both have; almost to the point of not even recognizing each other anymore. And what we both need has changed.

I need someone to be there for me. I need a cheerleader. I need a man who is sure enough of himself that he can help me figure out who I am. I need to be held. I need stability and security and companionship. I need a little adventure. I need to feel so secure in my relationship that I'm not afraid to take chances and make mistakes. I need some rest. I need to be alone without feeling lonely. I need to be kissed like a woman. I need to take care of someone and be appreciated for it.

I really just feel like my entire life backfired on me. I had a plan, you know? I had a vision and I was working my ass off to make it a reality. I just picked the wrong partner at the wrong time.
I still love him. I don't think I'll ever be able not to.

And maybe, one day, we'll both grow up and find out that we are supposed to be together- when we already are who we're supposed to be.

And maybe someday I'll find that there is more than just one great love of my life.

But, until then, I need to uncross my fingers and start pursuing myself.

creative writing exercises for school

these assignments were do some time ago, but i didn't get a chance to turn them in -- grrrr.


seperation
your absence has gone through me
like soda through a carpet
the fizz in gone, the stain remains

doesn't he realize
doesn't he realize
that i am not
like the friendly yellow Lab
in his training class
click, treat, click, treat
sit, stay. heal.

you fit into me
like a nail into a wall
a fingernail, an artery wall

you fit into me
like a disc into a DVD player
it's Gigli

nose has been broken
blood pools in big red circles
but i won the fight

el wray
i am the too-heavy slipper
the accidental vacuum
the smell of something rotten in denmark
a too-short escort
i've swallowed your pride for you
i am the fuzzy nipple
the scattered toupee
the taste of makeup and kibble
a lip too big
i've lost my way and found home

easter (according to scraps of paper on my desk)
we need some help here
in god we trust
i agree to pay the above total
redemption
join us march 8th, 2008 for the bunny hop

little.

i wanna go back
hopscotch, rain coats,
jump-ropes, jacks
and play

umbrella.

today was an ass day.
but, because i don't exactly feel like rehashing all the little things that accumulated into "assness," i'll just give you the short list:

1. i'm broke
2. i hate school
3. my throat is sore
4. i'm broke

but, oh well. i have a new blog, and it'll make me feel all better.
i don't even know why i started this thing, 'cause lord knows i don't usually have any bright ideas or valid insights on current events. shit, i'm not even gonna use capital letters.

but it's mine. and it's bright and shiny and new.

i think maybe i'll use this blog to do my creative writing. shit always gets started on crusty old napkins and inbetween class notes -- but i never do anyting with it.

eh.

i've written something already, and that's all i really wanted to do tonight anyway.

i'll figure the rest out later.

love, love